In defense of stalkers

Having led off with a provocative title like that, I suppose I need to establish my position right away, so let me start by revealing that I have actually had a stalker. Without going into all the gory details (which might be the makings of another post somewhere down the line), let me say that while it was a harrowing semester of my life and one that I would not like to repeat, obviously it all turned out all right in the end. He broke off pursuit all by himself and I did not, as the Lifetime movie of the week would have you believe inevitably occurs, end up bound and gagged in an airless garret with walls papered with pictures of myself in various states of undress. Obviously, as my experience demonstrates, there are mentally unbalanced individuals who are real stalkers, who I define as people who insist upon pursuing someone even in the face of overwhelming evidence that their advances are not welcome. Those people deserve punishment and/or psychiatric help, and they are not the subject of this post.

Rather, I'm talking about the watered-down idea of the stalker that has arisen in our popular culture in the last ten years or so. Basically what it boils down to is that a "stalker" is anyone who shows what may appear to be an excess of interest in another person. This idea is what makes a red-blooded American male blush and look over his shoulder before saying in a low, sheepish voice to the object of his affections, "I hope it doesn't make me sound like a stalker to ask what part of town you live in" or "Would it make me a stalker if I admit I've read your blog?"

Basically, I think what we've lost here is a sense that the information-gathering stage of courtship is important. In the old days, this was all much simpler, because you probably would have known that person your whole life, or at least known of them. You could ask your mother or your grandma to tell you everything about that family and she would do so. And there were other sources of information as well. I remember being thrilled when I found an old church directory that contained a picture of my first-grade boyfriend, Chad Keller, as a baby. It wasn't just knowing that he was an adorable baby (although he certainly was!) that thrilled me, but it also gave me a sense of continuity. Even though he and I had only been around for 6 years, our families had known each other for a long time, and that gave me a positive, optimistic feeling that we two would know each other for a long time to come. (And indeed, while we didn't end up getting married as I romantically hoped, I do still know exactly where he lives with his wife and children, and my mother still regularly tells me all the goings-on in his family.)

These days, it's less likely that the person you fall in love with will be someone you've known your whole life, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to know something about them before you pop the question. Of course, the two of you could sit down together with a checklist of 649 questions about each other, but that doesn't sound like a lot of fun. It is probably better in the long run to get what you can from other sources, such as mutual friends, Facebook, and even the ever-popular Google. And do you honestly think that the other person isn't also Googling you even as we speak?

The catch here, though, is that it is unseemly to actually let on what you've learned about someone else through these means. While it might give you a slight advantage to know they were on the cross-country team in high school, by no means is it kosher to say to them, "So, I see you were on the cross-country team back in high school. Nice shorts, by the way, and orange and black really do look good on you!" I know a guileless young man who actually committed this sin and lost the trust of his lady love forever. However, I would say that it should be only common sense and tact to know not to do this. Besides, what good is it to get extra intelligence if you're only going to tip your hand and let the other side know you've got it?

My point here is that we shouldn't let the slight threat of real stalkers dissuade us from trying to get to know people as fully as possible. Take it from one who knows: there really is a world of difference between having someone call you and hang up 20 times a day and having someone look at your blog once in a while. I don't like the former, but the latter is just fine with me!