An advice column

Because my love life is in such a state of flux these days, I've been reading a lot of relationship articles. And so I finally decided to just write one of my own.

The Top 10 Things that Men Should Know about Women

1. Women are like old-fashioned TV sets with dials. We stay on whatever channel we were on when you were last watching. So if the last thing that happened between us was awkward and weird, our brains will stay in that state forever unless you replace it with a better memory. On the other hand, if the last thing you said was something incredibly wonderful, that memory can carry us for months or years of no contact at all. Seriously.

2. From your point of view, we cry all the time. But that doesn’t mean we’re leaking. And telling us to stop will only make it worse. It’s just something you’re going to have to deal with. And half of the time when we’re crying, it’s because we’re happy anyway.

3. When we’re alone with you and laugh for no apparent reason, it’s not because we think you’re a dork. If we did think you were a dork, our response certainly wouldn’t be laughter, but more like a cold shoulder. We laugh when we’re nervous and excited, so if we’re laughing for no apparent reason, it probably means that we’re nervous and excited to be with you. This is a good thing.

4. We don’t need every encounter with you to be Oscar-worthy. Don’t feel like you have to say something profound or witty or profoundly witty every time that we’re together. All that we really need to know is that we’re still important to you, and you demonstrate that best just by being yourself, not by putting on some show.

5. As a corollary to #4, we don’t need you to keep showing your plumage forever. In the wild, males often do put on a display to attract a female’s attention, but once they’ve got it, they put those pretty tail feathers back into storage for another year. Time you spend preening in front of a girl you’ve already got sitting beside you is time that could be spent on actually building the nest together. And that’s what you really want, right?

6. If a woman isn’t talking to you as much as usual, it means that something is wrong, not that she decided to give you a vacation! What’s wrong may or may not have anything to do with you, but she probably wants you to ask about it in a non-confrontational way. This will win you major brownie points, and you’ll get more if you just let her talk about it and don’t immediately start trying to find a solution.

7. When something is bothering you, it’s nice if you can give us a clue about it. We don’t expect to have a major therapy session with Kleenexes and hugs, but if you can just find some way of filling us in on the broad outlines of it, it would be really helpful and let us know that you’re not mad at us (which is, heaven help us, what we always assume first.) If you can just say something like, “My boss is being a jerk” or “The starter on my pickup is acting up,” you’ll save yourself a whole lot of nagging and wheedling to find out what’s wrong.

8. About nagging and wheedling: it really wouldn’t happen so much if you’d just deal with the issue in the first place. If you think you can wear us down, it’s not going to work, unless we decide to give up on you totally, which you probably don’t really want. So if your answer is “no,” just say it the first time and get it over with. And “I need time to think” is also a response that’s better than stony silence.

9. Your silences always do seem stony to us, unless they occur right after something marvelously wonderful you’ve just said. (See #1.) Remember that women need feedback at all times, and we also need something to look forward to. So if you can say something like, “I’m busy studying for a test on Friday, but I can talk to you a lot that night,” or “I’ll be done with this busy time at work after April 15th,” it lets us know the reason for your silence and will let you actually get a lot more accomplished.

10. What we need to know more than anything, and that covers a multitude of sins, is how you really feel about us. And if you can manage to say it once, afterwards you won’t need to spell it out so completely again. If the words “I love you” scare you, find some other way to say it. Just say it somehow, and I promise we won’t laugh at you.